When I signed up for lifeguarding, I expected I’d have to save a few lives here and there. However, I never expected some of the preposterous things that would come from the mouths of the kids I watch.
No lie, half of the job is getting off your shift and laughing with your coworkers about how some of the kids even come up with the things they say.
I’ll skip the hoopla and get right at ‘er for ya:
1.
Young girl: Hey Chloë!!
Me: Yes?
Young girl: Can I tell you joke?!
Me: Sure!
Young girl: What do ducks snack on if they’re hungry?
Me: Tell me!
Young girl: Fish!!!!
Me: Isn’t the answer supposed to be “cheese and quackers”???
Young girl: *gets embarrassed and goes under water like I can’t see her then swims away*
I guess sometimes the funniest jokes are the ones where you get the punchlines wrong. PSA: going underwater does NOT make you invisible.
2.
9 year old boy: Yesterday my dad got me chicken fingers and fries, and there were so so so many of them I just kept eating them and eating them, and now I’ve just been burping chicken fingers all day. *proudly smiles to himself*
My life goal is to be as proud about burping chicken strips as this kid was.
3.
*In the middle of a conversation about how we want to adopt puppies and should get a pool pet*
Young girl: Sometimes my brother catches snakes and ties them in knots until they die! *grins innocently*
Okay so I’m no professional but you may want to get your brother’s head checked out...
4.
Little kid: Chloë I have an important question... what’s your favourite colour of unicorn?? *looks at me with very serious face*
Oh, kids; always keeping me on my toes. I’ll never hear an adult ask me a question like that (and TBH that’s kind of disappointing!!)
5.
Young girl: *glances over at two boys wrestling in the pool*
I have an older brother, he’s 18, and sometimes he wrestles with his girlfriend. One time I could hear her making weird noises so I peeked into their bedroom and they were on the bed wrestling and my brother was on top of her and had her legs bent back... so I ran away because I didn’t want them to catch me!!!
One word: YIKES. At that moment my coworker and I made the most awkward yet hilarious eye contact from across the pool as he attempted not to burst out laughing. Oh man. I don’t know if you’re just super innocent or is that’s actually how it went down but it makes for a good story.
6.
Young boy: I’m so good at video games, I bet if Hitler played MineCraft I’d still beat him at it!
I commend your confidence, kid.
7.
10 year old girl: Chloë guess what! A couple days ago I was brushing my brother’s hair and I found a cootie.
*entire pool yells “ewwww” in unison*
Not gonna lie, I miss the good ol’ days where the biggest of my worries was catching a cootie.
8.
Coworker: Ugh. My whole body hurts from my workout.
Kid: Maybe you have toes?!
Coworker: What (¿)
Kid: You know, like toe fungus. Maybe you have toe fungus.
....what. Ummm hmm? What was that? I am very confused. I don’t think that’s how it works... but ok...
9.
6 year old girl: I’m going to come to your house today.
Me: Umm what?
6 year old girl: Yeah I’ll just ask my papa then you can just drive me there and we can hang out after you’re done lifeguarding. *she says in a matter of factly voice*
I’ve never had a problem with making friends, and it appears this girl won’t either. However, I am slightly concerned about the “don’t go to a strangers house” thing... don’t they still teach children that?
10.
Me to a little girl watching swim lessons but not enrolled in them: Why aren’t you in swimming lessons this year?! They’d be fun!
Little girl: *with straight face and serious voice* I will not be bossed around by instructors telling me what to do.
If this is you at 6, I’m worried for your parents when you hit your teens.
11:
Me, being the concerned small town lifeguard I am, heard a repeated beep-like sound coming from the boys bathroom. Assuming it was one of the boy’s parents calling or texting him telling him to come home for supper, I made sure the bathroom was empty and ran in to go answer the phone for him. After grabbing his swim bag and realizing his phone wasn’t in there but instead on his shoes, I opened the bag and out hopped a baby bird. A REAL LIVE BABY BIRD.
This is how it went down:
Me: Ummmm *insert boy’s name here* did you bring anything to the pool with you today?
Boy: Yeah, my towel.
Me: Ummmm yes and anything else... anything you might want to tell me about?
Boy: I don’t think so.
Me: What about a baby bird????
Boy: Oh yeah I found a baby bird on the street and kept it and took it with me so I can keep it with my duck.
The bird ended up being released but that was a serious WHAT THE HECK moment at the pool.
12.
Kid: This weekend at the “Catch and Keep” my sister caught a pig and I caught a duck and now they’re living in my garage.
Ever heard of small town living? This is the epitome of it. Imagine having a pen with random animals (pigs, goats, geese, bunnies, hamsters, etc.) and then releasing tons of kids in it to catch whatever they can to keep in the given time. Chaos, I tell you.
13.
Guard: Hey kid, your goggles are on upside down.
Kid: Ummmmm I’ll decide which way they go.
The amount of sass we get from some kids is outrageous considering we could let them drown.
14.
*out of nowhere*
Boy: Do carbohydrates make your eyes water?
Pardon me? Do WHAT make your eyes water? What? CARBOHYDRATES? Why is this crossing your mind? Do you even know what carbs are?! Do carbohydrates make your eyes water? As a coworker once said “Maybe they’ll make your eyes water from knowing you’re getting fatter...”
The only thing I want to see coming from your mouth from now on are bubbles, please and thank you.
15.
At our pool, we had a giant blow up swan that one of the guards brought as a display item. The next week, we added to our collection by getting another giant inflatable bird, this one not a swan. This was the children’s reaction:
Kids: Why did you get a giant Chinese chicken to go with your swan?
It was a peacock. *facepalm*
16.
Young boy out of the blue: I’m pretty sure Hell is somewhere in China.
Okay, so I see your reasoning, but not quite there buddy.
And these are only SOME of the many things that popped into my head while writing this post. Are any of them made up? Nope. All of these stories are 100% true things that have happened.
In summary, l love lifeguarding and working with kids. They’re great. They’re also an amazing reminder why I don’t want any for at least the next ten years.
Cheers!
Chloë